Dear August,
As your days began to trickle away, I became more and more scared to say goodbye. You have been the cliff of my year. The months leading up to you were the hardest – I have tripped, fallen down, forced myself to get back up again and kept climbing. Some days it didn’t feel like it made any sense.
Graduating in June, the reality had begun to settle in: I had to get a job. And so July had been the month of resume writing, applying, self-doubt, and realizing I wasn’t really qualified for anything. I found that I hated talking and writing about myself, the self-promotion and sell-yourself BS of it all. There were so many rules in the professional world I couldn’t understand, but knew I had to live with.
July was the darkest time. It was the month of stumbling blindly in the darkness, not really knowing what the hell I was doing. And the worst part was that no one seems to be responding, when days felt like a huge jumble of mush, reaching out to things and getting absolutely nowhere.
But you, August, you were the month of hope. In my heart I knew that things were going to start happening the moment the clock ticked midnight. The despair that came with all of it though, I didn’t really expect.
Things that I’ve been hoping yet fearing for, for months even before graduating, had finally started to happen. I went in to my first interview, and got rejected two days later. First interview, first rejection. The firsts will always be the worst ones, I guess. I probably could’ve done better during that whole thing but I was so sleep deprived from the stress of finally getting my very first interview that I didn’t really have much of a choice. The rejection came altogether as both a struggle and a relief. The fact of the matter is, it just utterly sucks knowing you’ve invested so much time in something only to have to start all over again. Yet it was also a relief, because I got through it. I got through my first rejection, and that’s something to be proud of.
The next interview felt like a joke. I think it was one of those entry level marketing job scams, with insane claims like “less than a year to move up in the executive level!” I still went with it though, wanting to know exactly how they work but also knowing I’m wasting my time on what clearly was a commission-based sales job shrouded in ludicrous offers. It felt awful knowing that only companies like this will respond to and actually hire me. At one point I considered taking it, just because I was so sick of the soul crushing system that is job hunting.
But I’m glad I said no because on my third chance, I got an offer. On a job I actually knew I would like.
So here comes the cliff metaphor.
Every college senior both craves and dreads graduation. We don’t want to stay in school forever, yet we don’t want to have the hardships and realities of adult life thrown at us as well. So when the day finally comes, we are forced to deal with our issues of self-doubt, self-worth, self-loathing, and all that comes inside us, while at the same time face the reality of an identity suddenly stripped away.
This was the fear I’ve had since Day One of my final semester, and I had to deal with all of those things for a while – climbing and climbing this slope only to slip back down again.
But now I have reached the cliff. The end of a path I knew I would eventually take. What’s in front of me now is the new path. The sea of the unknown, in which I have no idea where the waves will take me. Standing there on the edge, the only question is: do I jump?
This is why I’m scared, August. You were a difficult yet triumphant month. The month I conquered all my built-up fears. The month I actually won. And I didn’t want to let that win go. I didn’t want to face new uncertainties, new obstacles and dark places just yet.
But I have to, because that’s just how life goes. Right?
So I did it. I said yes, and signed up for my first job.
I jumped.
Thank you for being an amazing month, August. I’m scared yet looking forward to what September will bring.
Love,
K
P.S. The picture above is the view from the Space Needle; I hope you guys like it. I didn’t have the chance to go hiking and go to an actual cliff, but this is an awesome alternative. Post is also a bit late as well, but I’m trying to make a concrete schedule for this blog so…I think you’ll be hearing a lot more from me this September (I hope)!
Sifting Oceans 